That's when my beautiful daughter turns 18 years old and I change the locks and put all the boxes of her shit out on the porch, including her cat in a cardboard carrier. Don't worry, I'll put a little dish of water in there with him, jeez! Oh Calgon, take me away! If only I were truly that cold!
My dear sweet angel was a late bloomer in the acting out department. Pretty darned wonderful until her junior year and then all the things that other people's kids do started to tick off on the teenage horror checklist one by one. Overall, she's still been pretty good, and I do have extremely high expectations for everyone and everything in my life, but... you know, I was SO much better than her when I was her age, weren't you?
I certainly wasn't as materialistic, I'll tell you that! Shit, my single mom couldn't even afford to buy me the pair of roller skates I wanted, I think I had two new bikes my whole life up to 25, but of course since I'm old as shit, there weren't anywhere near as many gizmos back then for kids to want! I was extrememly stoked by the cassette/recorder player that I got in 1970. I walked around with the microphone for weeks, recording everyone for my 'television' show.
In my darling's lifetime (and there's her 23 year old brother who's had plenty of stuff, too) she's had 4 or 5 bikes, 2 or 3 pairs of roller blades, an iPod, a digital camera, a couple of cell phones, a small menagerie of animals (guinea pigs, cats, mice, hamsters, dogs, chickens), and LOTS of clothes and accesories. She is always wanting something, or so it seems. I finally had her start a list, which hangs on the fridge, so that when she begins to ask for something, I just say "Put it on the list."
The latest items to be added to the list are: Prom dress, Grad Night Party outfit, Grad party, presents for graduating friends. Who the f*ck does she think I am, Leona Helmsley? Last Sunday we were all set to go out and shop for the first item, since that's occurring first. Now I HATE shopping, but I was actually looking forward to it. Thought we might do a little shopping, have a little lunch, do more shopping if we hadn't already been successful. I was into the idea, which shopping-wise, occurs about as often as when I want to clean the house from top to bottom or cook a week's worth of meals in one day = 3-4 times a year, MAX.
The night before I had spent the night at a friend's house. On my way home I get a phone call from my ex who has obviously fallen off the wagon in a BIG way, AGAIN. Great start to my morning. When I arrive at my house around 11:00 am, about half a dozen male and female kids come pouring out of the house. Nora said they came over for breakfast. Hmmm. She looks pretty tired, wearing shades. By the time we get to our first stop, about 20 minutes away, it becomes apparent to me that she is hung over. While she is looking in a store my ex's sister calls and asks if I can do anything to help ex. "Yeah," I tell her, "I can drive him to the bridge AND push him off." She is quiet. While I'm thinking of what to say to her next, my daughter comes out of the store quickly and runs to a nearby trash can where she proceeds to toss up cookies from the night before. Mmmmmm. Who wants lunch?
So on the way home, after I ream her for at least 10 minutes, she tells me to "seriously, stop talking" to which I answer "When are you moving out again?" to which she replies "as soon as possible" and to which I get in the final word "not soon enough."
Birthday present? How about a nice sleeping bag, a hefty Safeway gift card, a Target gift card and a nice duffle bag. Giving your 18 year old a gaggle of grown up gifts = $500. Having the house to yourself? Priceless.
My dear sweet angel was a late bloomer in the acting out department. Pretty darned wonderful until her junior year and then all the things that other people's kids do started to tick off on the teenage horror checklist one by one. Overall, she's still been pretty good, and I do have extremely high expectations for everyone and everything in my life, but... you know, I was SO much better than her when I was her age, weren't you?
I certainly wasn't as materialistic, I'll tell you that! Shit, my single mom couldn't even afford to buy me the pair of roller skates I wanted, I think I had two new bikes my whole life up to 25, but of course since I'm old as shit, there weren't anywhere near as many gizmos back then for kids to want! I was extrememly stoked by the cassette/recorder player that I got in 1970. I walked around with the microphone for weeks, recording everyone for my 'television' show.
In my darling's lifetime (and there's her 23 year old brother who's had plenty of stuff, too) she's had 4 or 5 bikes, 2 or 3 pairs of roller blades, an iPod, a digital camera, a couple of cell phones, a small menagerie of animals (guinea pigs, cats, mice, hamsters, dogs, chickens), and LOTS of clothes and accesories. She is always wanting something, or so it seems. I finally had her start a list, which hangs on the fridge, so that when she begins to ask for something, I just say "Put it on the list."
The latest items to be added to the list are: Prom dress, Grad Night Party outfit, Grad party, presents for graduating friends. Who the f*ck does she think I am, Leona Helmsley? Last Sunday we were all set to go out and shop for the first item, since that's occurring first. Now I HATE shopping, but I was actually looking forward to it. Thought we might do a little shopping, have a little lunch, do more shopping if we hadn't already been successful. I was into the idea, which shopping-wise, occurs about as often as when I want to clean the house from top to bottom or cook a week's worth of meals in one day = 3-4 times a year, MAX.
The night before I had spent the night at a friend's house. On my way home I get a phone call from my ex who has obviously fallen off the wagon in a BIG way, AGAIN. Great start to my morning. When I arrive at my house around 11:00 am, about half a dozen male and female kids come pouring out of the house. Nora said they came over for breakfast. Hmmm. She looks pretty tired, wearing shades. By the time we get to our first stop, about 20 minutes away, it becomes apparent to me that she is hung over. While she is looking in a store my ex's sister calls and asks if I can do anything to help ex. "Yeah," I tell her, "I can drive him to the bridge AND push him off." She is quiet. While I'm thinking of what to say to her next, my daughter comes out of the store quickly and runs to a nearby trash can where she proceeds to toss up cookies from the night before. Mmmmmm. Who wants lunch?
So on the way home, after I ream her for at least 10 minutes, she tells me to "seriously, stop talking" to which I answer "When are you moving out again?" to which she replies "as soon as possible" and to which I get in the final word "not soon enough."
Birthday present? How about a nice sleeping bag, a hefty Safeway gift card, a Target gift card and a nice duffle bag. Giving your 18 year old a gaggle of grown up gifts = $500. Having the house to yourself? Priceless.
Having a teenage girl sounds incredibly expensive. My niece just graduated, and my brother wanted to put some apartment listings in with her graduation present. My SIL wouldn't let him. lol.
ReplyDeleteI watch these teenagers with their parents and think back to my teenage interactions with my mom. These kids have no idea how good they have it. When I see my niece tell my SIL to "Be Quiet," I think back to what my mom would have done. Yeah, I'd have been broken and bloody picking myself off the ground. Legally, you can't and shouldn't do that to teenagers anymore, but someone needs to come up with a system that houses these young adults until about 25 years of age. So when they return, their heads are out of their ass (a little). I can tell this teenage thing will not be my bag. Can I send mine to you? lol.
I think the best thing to do is send them to live for a while with some OCD militant gay friends. After a couple of weeks of that, and having to actually 'sing for their supper' they'll be happy to come home. If I had the money for military or Christian boarding school, that's another option.
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