Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Things That Have Pissed Me Off This Week

In First Place by a landslide is the Ex (a.k.a. A-hole) who missed his only daughter's High School Graduation because his drunk thieving ass was being arrested. I thought he'd hit rock bottom, but evidently he’s started to dig. The only help I'm willing to give him at this point is to drive him to a bridge AND push him off.

Runners Up:

A tee shirt in a store window downtown that read "Fuck the Art, Let's Rock and Roll." I'm against profanity of any sort on public display, be it bumper stickers, graffiti, t-shirts, etc. I'm not against heavy innuendo or a purposeful play on words like the one advertising the bar with 'Liquor in Front and Poker in the Rear,' or 'Shuck Me, Suck Me, Eat Me Raw' for that Oyster Joint, but I don’t believe that public displays of profanity deserve First Amendment protection. Am I just getting old?

Crying f*cking babies and bratty ass kids. It is my curse. If you don’t believe me, come hang out with me for just half a day. You will never hear so many whining, crying kids in your entire life as in one afternoon spent with me. It’s everything I can do not to approach them when a parent isn’t watching and whisper to them with a very intense, scary face “Shut Up!” As I am of a certain age, I think this is nature’s way of telling me that even though I still have eggs, they are rotten, just like the kids that would erupt from my nether regions once again should I ever be crazy enough to think that spawning more offspring might be a good idea. An unattended little boy at Target pushed an empty cart from the front of the store into oncoming cars driving by, quickly hiding behind a post. Oh how I resisted grabbing it, hopping on that back bottom bar with one leg and pushing myself with the other crazed foot, careening towards him as fast as humanly possible before crashing into the post he was hiding behind. This is how I remain sane. Just that fleeting thought brought a smile to my lips. Anyone watching would just think I was amused by the young boy’s antics.

Tourists who drive slowly to see all the sites. Summer is officially here. It's time for me to once again listen to Wayne Dyer or some such mumbo jumbo in the car so I don’t go postal and let Road Rage get the best of me. After all, I still remember the time several years ago I flipped someone off that was dilly dallying on the road, only to have them pull in behind me at the winery where I worked. D’oh!

Trashy people. Went to the movies this weekend. There was a large group of piggish people who spoke all together too loud, spilling popcorn and bobbing their heads back and forth to intentionally set off the beeper for the 3D glasses as we waited outside of the theatre to be let in. I weep for the future. Makes me want to never leave my house.I realize of course that this is all relative, and somewhere on another blog someone could be writing about the three gals who laughed too loud at jokes they didn't think were funny during the movie and who had looked at them cooly in the lobby.

Find a happy place, find a happy place! Accept the things you cannot change...


  1. Serenity Now! I say.

    Sorry to hear about the graduation. Makes my stomach hurt to think of the disappointment she probably felt. What a shit head fucker!

    I have a curse too. Wherever I am, be it a theatre, restaurant, or public transporation, I will always be next to someone chewing like a God Damned cow chews cud. Gum poppers, lip smackers, and finger lickers seek me out like a heat seaking missile. I fantisize about giving them a lecture about manners, breading, and human courtesy. But nobody cares anymore. Nobody teaches their children to put napkins in the laps and chew with their mouths closed. Nobody pushes their chairs in. I need to post about this.

  2. That's another thing about that shit head fucker - he could make more noise eating a friggin banana than any animal on earth. That alone made me want to put an axe in the back of his head. Manners are a dying breed, for sure. You could even do mini interviews to get good quotes from folks. My friend Tom is a freak about eating noises, that's why he doesn't own a gun - he says he'd probably kill some popcorn munchin' son of a bitch at the movie theatre. Post it!